The Daily Gut

IT'S COLD DOWN HERE

jim your monkey or whatever the hell it may be keeps popping up in my dreams. ps its a shame about this google nonsense. pps please change yor picture

mynameischris

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Dear mynameischris,

Thank you for your note, but you're sadly mistaken if you think I have control over my Daily Gut icon, or any other element of my own fate for that matter. Please keep in mind that while everybody else is taping the show and entertaining dozens of viewers, Gutfield's got me locked in this storage closet in the basement, next to Rita Cosby's old office. I'm typing this on a discarded laptop perched on a pallet of Chloraseptic® lozenges! (She went through 2-3 boxes a day.) Gutman says I can't come out of this closet until he comes out of his, which is tantamount to a life sentence. But thank Ailes I've got you (the Internet) to keep me sane. Also, please don't expect Gutberg to ever mention me on the air, because my name is too stupid to say aloud. I never have, even.

As long as I'm oversharing, you guys should know that he's providing me with Fox News merchandise in lieu of pay. Right now I'm wearing my Hannity & Colmes (white) power tie as a headband to keep my ears warm. (Up to 40% of your body heat can be lost through your head! Unless you're Keith Olbermann, in which case no form of radiation can escape.) And I'm sipping a thin gruel -- condensation collected from the walls, mixed with dead insects that I've ground up on the cold concrete floor with the bottom of my Fox News Hampton Tumbler -- from the Fox & Friends black (power) diner mug that he threw at my head the last time he came down here 3 weeks ago. The No Spin Zone t-shirts can be burned for warmth, or just on general principles.

Sorry, I've forgotten your question, or if you even had one.

Happy Valentine's Day and please get me out of here,
Jim Treacher

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